A constant battle



I’m sitting here right now
One side says “fight”
The other says “cut”

“You’ll be wearing your wedding dress soon”
“You’ll be feeling better soon”

“You’ll be wearing a t-shirt in the summer sun”
“You’ll be wearing your coat in the hot office”

I feel my toes curl up as another wave of the urge sweeps over
“Come on do it” I think
“No, I cant hide it again”

I think to when I first started
Was it because I was traumatised?
No I was normal, just an everyday person
I was just curious
I needed a focus, I was losing my mind

Now I’ve lost my mind
The addiction is stronger than ever
I was offered help to give up smoking
Support groups and patches

I was told to wait 8 weeks for help to stop cutting
Just another childish idiot, another prescription to be paid

There’s only one thing on my mind and the two sides are arguing.
I’m losing more focus because I can’t decide what to do
I know which side will win but I can’t do anything to stop them

I’m trapped and all I can do crawl into a ball.
Grip my hands to tight they bleed just to stop them arguing
I’ve gotta stop doing this to myself

Stop it for myself
For him
For my job
For my sisters, who I must protect

Is it worth all the guilt?
I can’t decide
But I know I’ll feel better
And I know I will for a few days
And it works better than the pills

Maybe I could just cook something
I don’t feel like eating but I need a distraction
Maybe this will be my only distraction
I know which side is winning


It won 8 years ago